From Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 2/15/11

Dear Gator Nation,

Hello again!!! It’s me Steve Addazio, and today I’m going to explain to you how the dive play works. You see, you have- what? I’ve already explained it? Well DAMN IT, you guys are too stupid to know anything. Wait, I’ve said that too? OH NO. Well THAT didn’t go according to plan, unlike my brilliant career at Florida.

So I’ll have to talk about something else. Forgive me if it doesn’t make any sense, but you all know I cannot adjust if my life depended on it.

Anyway, as you know, I’ve hired new coaches. They all had to sign agreements pledging their loyalty to the dive play in this pamphlet- oh DO NOT TELL ME YOU’VE HEARD OF THAT, TOO!!!

Let’s start over.

OK.

Here we go.

Deep breath, Steve.

Let’s count to ten. Oh, wait, that’s too hard for me.

How about we count to three?

OK.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

DAMN IT SCOTT LOEFFLER WHERE IN THE MIGHTY HELL DID YOU PUT MY COUNTING BOOK?

It’s by the how to read book? Well, why didn’t you just SAY SO?????

OK, let’s do this. One… uhhh… ta-… ta-whoa- ta- SCOTT GET IN HERE!!!

Oh, that’s a two? Oh, OK, gotcha. And three.

YAY!!! I COUNTED TO THREE!!!

But you guys are still idiots.

Now, let’s talk football.

First, I want to talk offensive strategy. We’ve mentioned dive plays, and now it’s time for the option. Here’s what I look for: a QB that cannot lift any more than 150 pounds and a running back that can’t beat a slug in a footrace. That’s only two parts to the triple option, but the third one is making my brain hurt because it’s so difficult for me to process. (Four minutes later) The third part needed for a successful option attack is a football covered in a layer of ice, so it will make it easier for the carrier to fumble.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to point something else out. Some mean headed meanie last year yelled at me that Gainesville High School’s offense could put up better numbers than the Gators. That’s untrue. GHS’s QB, Ryan McGriff has just agreed to play for Florida, no doubt due to my relentless recruitment of him as a little boy. Back when he was 8, he dropped my jaw as he threw laterally for over 150 yards in one game.

So, I’m right, and you’re all wrong. What else is new?

Next, I’ll cover a rather important topic when it comes to coaching football: how to convert your best tight end into a quarterback. It’s simple: tell him that he’ll be playing QB right after he had a rather outstanding day of practice. If he gets angry, then just put him on the sprained ankle plan, which, as I have previously described, is an excellent way to avoid fan anger while benching a player. You just tell the crowd that he sprained an ankle during practice and don’t spill a word about him disliking the brilliant strategy contrived by yours truly.

Another very important topic I wanted to cover today is teach yall a funny prank. It’s actually not a prank as much as it’s a scientific experiment. Actually, it’s neither of those two, it’s a way of life. It can be very useful to you whenever you really hate somebody who’s been really nice to you.

The prank is called How To Cause Heart Failure, and my guinea pig was Urban Meyer.

Step 1) Run the dive play 5 straight times.

Step 2) Run the option with an immoble QB of your choice (preferably one who can throw well).

Step 3) Repeat the process until halftime.

Step 4) This step is very complicated. It will be broken down into 7 steps, lettered.

4b) Have a tight end start in shotgun

4a) Have him walk to his tight end position

4d) Have your immoble QB walk from other tight end spot to shotgun

Now, you have a choice to make.

4coach) Have the center snap it 40 feet over his head.

4playcaller) Take a good snap

4ever) Have the QB throw it to a tight end who’s running a 2 yard hitch.

4boo) Jump around in delight as the tight end goes nowhere

Step 5) Blame it all on the head coach.

OK, now here’s how Step 4 works. You see, with the tight end, who’s also the Wildcat QB and has been proven (much to my dismay) dangerous, the defense knows a run is coming, so they stack the box with 7 or 8 guys. Now listen. I don’t HAVE to make you guys happy, I don’t have to show you that I’m really a genius, but since I’m such a nice guy, I’m going to. I have the real deep threat QB walk in from tight end to take the snap, and you guys no doubt love seeing that. But then, just to aggravate you, I have the QB throw a screen to the tight end, right where the defense is playing.

Basically, I lure the defense into playing in, and then I trick them by throwing it right to that spot.

Wait a minute. Those aren’t the ABC’s I learned back when I was 22!!! SCOTT LOEFFLER GET IN HERE YOU SORRY SOB!!! ARE THOSE ABC’s CORRECT???

NO???

THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

Oh. Yes, you’re right, I’m sorry. I forgot. Yeah, I remember that.

Sorry guys, instead of lettering Step 4 like I learned in college; you know, let’s sing that song!!! A-B-C-F-G-H-S, F-A-B-Q-T-E-B. D-C-

Are you kidding? THAT WASN’T RIGHT EITHER??? HMMMMMMMPH.

Well, anyway, the letters I used have a funny story to them. After the South Carolina game, a 6 year old girl threw a piece of paper at me. But she had bad aim (but that’s exactly what I want in a QB, as well as not being able to take a hit, so who knows, I may wind up recruiting her) and nearly hit John Brantley, the worthless idiot who completes more than a quarter of his passes- making me furious. But since I’m such a good guy, and since I know that Brantley can’t take a monstrous hit like that, I jumped in front and caught it.

I opened it up and it read- “bad coach/playcaller 4ever boo”. I had thought that she was trying to either teach me my ABC’s (I couldn’t hire a tutor because they were all busy with Pre-K’ers) or she was showing me that she knew them.

Agh.

SO DISAPPOINTED!!!

That girl didn’t know anything!!!

After the Mississippi State game, the same girl threw a piece of paper that simply read “you suck!!!”

But even she had to admit that Florida scored 7 points against Mississippi State and 14 against South Carolina. That’s twice the production and I’m sure my recruits will love the way I work to make sure improvement is made.

People are saying that Andre Debose took the opening kickoff back for a touchdown, and it wasn’t the offense’s doing, but they’re just jealous haters. They don’t realize the talent that was ahead of him, like the bench, the ballboy or the fans up in the third row. They’re always wide open and are therefore easy targets for even the worst QB in football history. I don’t know why defenses bust coverage and leave them wide open all the time.

Anyway, it looks like I’m short on time. I’m off to a shot-putting contest, where hopefully I can steal one of the contestants and convert him or her into a QB.

Yours truly, Steve Addazio.

9 thoughts on “From Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 2/15/11

  1. Neil you have my sides hurting from laughing! Keep it coming. Can you please ask Dumbazzio how in the h*ll did he talk someone into giving him a H.C. job?

  2. He blew the AD away in the interview. Literally. He learned from the best, from watching Mark Richt, Bobby Bowden, Lane Kiffin, Randy Shannon, and of course, Ron Zook.

  3. Man I just keep getting all worked up over him and I can’t stop it. The agony comes over me at completely unexpected moments, and I’m feeling pretty pissed right now. If I wasn’t at a party I’d be writing up another Addazio letter. I mean, the guy took away one of my favorite hobbies. It’s like being grounded for a month, only you can’t argue with your parents. Expect another one soon. Not sure when, but it’s coming.

  4. I understand how you feel bud and I’m actually glad that you’re writing these post. Someone has to keep the flame of hating Dumbazzio alive. So please keep’em coming. That retard deserves every bit of what you write.:D

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