From Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 2/19/11

Hey hey hey, ladies and idiots!!! It’s me, your old buddy, STEVE ADDAZIO!!!!!

I’m writing to yall because it’s a very special day. Who is it, might you ask? Why, it’s a very special someone that you all know and love very well.

It is…

THE DIVE PLAY!!!

Two years ago, I was sitting on my couch watching Gator highlights. But the sight of so many fast people wearing blue jerseys and orange helmets made my eyes hurt because they went SO fast. So I had to create a new offensive system where that would be minimized.

And thus, the dive play was born.

And I know just how much you guys loved it because you all made loud screams of delight whenever I called for it.

Just so you guys know, I’m not the guy writing this. I bought this speaking thingy (it has a technical name, but it’s too hard for me to read it) where you know, you speak into it and it types it onto a screen on a computer!!! Neat, huh???

Now you might be asking, how did I get this money?

Well, as you know, I could have stepped down from my OC position to make you guys happier, but I mean, we were doing fine, you guys are just impatient and young with good eyes so you can handle watching 80 yard TD runs without your eyes burning, unlike me. Anyway, I was too selfish to step down and reduce my payroll because money is good and i want it!!!

You see the result? You see what you people would have taken away from me??? I LOVE MONEY MORE THAN GORDAN GEKKO, BILL GATES AND MR. KRABS (from Spongebob, you guys all know that’s my favorite grown up show, right?) ALL COMBINED!!!

But luckily, you didn’t get me demoted, and I got my money and speaky thingy.

NOW. Onto something else!!!

I’ve created a new, never seen before play. It’s called the deep pass. But I will only use it against Southern Delaware and Virginia State and any other cupcake team that is fortunate enough to play us.

Here’s how it works-

Oh, no. I hate when this happens. I HAVE SAID THIS ALL BEFORE!!! I’M REPEATING MYSELF!!!

But hey, what else is new??? I’ve never adjusted and tried something new before and why should I start now???

Well, just to recap it: a deep pass is any ball thrown 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage on third down and 53.

I know, you’ve seen it before. Kind of like the dive play, right?

OK, I’ve actually got something that is actually new, actually.

I will unveil a new type of play-calling next year. It is called gesture based play-calling with hand signals.

I will make various obscene gestures to opposing coaches before the next play, such as the middle finger, the I like women (you little children are too young to know the real name for it) gesture, the oral sex gesture, and so on. Depending on how pissed off the opposing coach gets, I will call one of three plays: dive, option, or home run snap (where the center snaps the ball over everybody’s head and over the wall separating the fans from the field). I will also throw in a ground ball snap, and see how good of a shortstop my QB is every once in awhile.

I will judge the opposing coach’s anger on a level between one to three, one being mildly annoyed and three being drunkenly furious. A three warrants a tape measure moonshot home run snap, a two means a dive play and a one calls for an option play.

In case you haven’t figured it out, the more outraged the other coach gets, the happier I will have to make him to keep him from charging me. A home run snap means a safety, so he’ll obviously be thrilled. A dive means a one yard loss, and an option means a one yard gain. Get it?

OH WAIT!!!

BRAINSTORM!!!

VICTORY!!!

Why don’t I just make these naughty gestures to the REFEREE!!! Yeah, then we’ll lose 15 yards!!!

Oh, Steve, you’re just so brilliant.

Another awesome idea I have for 2011 is to ask a couple-

WAIT A MINUTE.

SOMEBODY JUST CALLED ME!!!

OOOOHHHHH!!! It’s the Mississippi State front office!!! Yeah, I called them last week because I wanted to schedule a game so that I could beat that snob Dan Mullen’s head in and show everybody that the dive is superior to all!!!

BE RIGHT BACK!!!

Five minutes later.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY WOULD LOVE TO PLAY TEMPLE IN FOOTBALL BUT THAT TEMPLE’S AD REJECTED THE OFFER!!!

Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to adjust for the first time in my life.

Anyway, the next brilliant idea I had was to ask for a few volunteers from the local middle school’s girls’ soccer team to-

What do you mean, I always talk about 8th grade girls??? Well- OK, that’s a fair question. So allow me to explain.

You see, by the time boys get to be in about fifth grade, they already know everything about football, or so they claim. They refuse to listen to calm reasoning. Girls, however, don’t follow football as much, and they’re so much more apt to listen to what their elders have to say. So when I calmly explain to them that the dive play was created by our forefathers and is therefore a sacred tradition that must be kept- they listen!!! And hopefully they’ll someday talk their eventual boyfriends into believing that I’m right and I know what I’m doing!!!

You know what I mean?

Plus, I heard that their ribs crack much easier when they’re running 1500 dive plays in a row. That’s exactly what I want my running backs to see- broken bones and lots of crying. Then I make them run 15 miles with busted ribs.

Anyway, that’s what I want a middle school girl volunteer for- so my players can see all that. I want to my players to see the girl cry so that they know exactly what they got themselves into by signing with Temple, alongside with being on the internet, since none of our games will be televised. That’s another reason why I wanted to play MSU- to get on TV.

Oh yeah, and there’s also the fact that every female that does follow football hates me, and for some strange reason, doesn’t want to go out with me and listen to me pour out my deep, thoughtful insight of football.

Oh well, tough world we live in.

Finally, I’ve also toyed with the idea of allowing my son, Louie, who just signed to play tight end with Syracuse… or is it Louisville… oh it’s the Big Least who cares there’s no difference all those teams suck… anyway… I’ve considered hiring him to run my offense for me. Yes, that’s right, despite him having approximately ZERO experience.

Well, I mean, it worked for Bobby Bowden, didn’t it? After all, he had a pretty good career… right??? And his son Jeff worked for him!!!

So, I’m out. I’m out to try to set up a temporary website called SteveAddazioIsAWESOME.com, since everybody bows down to me and my unstoppable dive play.

5 thoughts on “From Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 2/19/11

  1. Ha ha, screams of delight, more like screams of shear pain.
    I would have much rather had a mule kick me in the balls than watch that monkey ruin our team.
    Good luck at Temple you @$$#!!!!!

  2. Steve Addazio here: see you online, as none of our games will be televised because we’re too good for TV, maybe we could discuss the intricacies of the game in great detail someday, OK, son?

  3. Hey Steve wanna come coach my old high school team, you don’t need the 8th grade girls (unless ya want them for other reasons) all the guys are already indoctrinated to the dive.

  4. Steve have you thought about coaching pee wee football start teaching that dive to the youth?

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