Hello From Philadelphia! I’m Fine, How Are You? Love, Steve Addazio

I give up. I waited a full month and then I couldn’t take it anymore.

I simply can’t go that long without making fun of him.

And according to some recent comments and emails, you guys can’t either.

For those of you who think I’m beating a dead horse, I understand, I even agreed at first. But as time wore on, and events came and went, it’s now official: Florida football is in a period of dead time until spring practice.

And so what else is there to touch on, aside from a season preview (coming soon, in a few weeks) regarding football?

The other reason I have for doing this is simple. Addazio caused Gator fans great anguish for a few months, and no amount of ripping on him can change that as funny as some of the stuff might be.

So what I’ll be doing every once in awhile is simple: I will post letters from Addazio to Gator fans from time to time.

So here’s the first one.

Dear Gator Nation,

Hello again!!! Yes, it’s me, Steve Addazio, and I have a confession. I miss being in Gainesville. The players all listened to me and loved me.

Here at Temple, however, it’s been slow going.

The first order of business here in Philly has been to install the dive play. But it’s been going for 50 yards at least on every rush!!! It’s supposed to lose three if it works and gain one if it fails. Anything more than a yard gain and I blow a fuse.

So I took the entire team to a local indoor swimming pool. The middle school team was practicing there, and when the girls had a diving competition against each other, I told my offense to watch closely. They were great, I might add. Then, one pretty 8th grader slipped on some water on the diving board and fell, cracking her head open.

She started crying, and I told my running backs that was exactly what’s supposed to happen if you execute the dive play correctly- there’s nowhere to go but down, and you should be crying in frustration or pain because there’s a big injury risk. Especially if it’s somebody who’s really underweight, like the girl that busted her head.

So that was a huge failure, but like you guys know I’ve always said- if it fails once, keep doing it until it fails even more.

So the next day, I took them to the Delaware River. It was iced over, and I had lugged a big ship towards the shore. I told my running backs to stand behind the line that I had carved into the ice and then try to push against the ship. But they all fell through the ice first and I had to have my QB lift them out, because, if you’ll remember at Florida, offensive linemen always avoided making blocks, and the QB got hit more than you would have ever thought. I think that is an excellent idea, and I have brought it with me to Temple.

Because of that, the QB has to be stronger and heavier than my linemen, so it was a perfect weight lifting excercise.

Then I made one more effort to make it work. I decided to try to simulate a game day effort as much as I could, but I didn’t know how. I thought for a couple of hours, and then snapped my fingers- I would try to simulate what it would feel like for Jeff Demps to take on Brian Urlacher, Junior Seau and Michael Strahan all at once in an Oklahoma drill***.

So I took my running backs out to downtown Philly. I had them each walk up to a skyscraper with a football- and then charge it.

Much to my dismay, two of them broke their noses (oh, damn, I forgot the helmets) a third bounced off a pedestrian and the fourth one tripped on the sidewalk.

But there was a lot of praise waiting for the fourth guy.

“Congratulations!!! That was EXCELLENT!!! I loved how you just fell down and the play would have ended right there!!!”

But the third guy wasn’t so lucky: “Why did you bounce off that tackle??? WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?! Don’t you know that you’re supposed to go down on contact????? You’ll owe me some laps for that!!!”

Anyway, the dive play is now officially a staple of the Owls offense.

I have, however, learned something. I know Ryan begs to differ, but I have learned something. I have learned to be more inconsistent and unpredictable with my play-calls. I know I always called dives, I’m so sorry about that. But I’ve learned from it. Really, I have.

Now, I’ll just call it on a key third down and 43, to keep the defense honest. In other words, I’ll just call it when my offense needs a three and out or when I feel that the punter is a freeloader and got a free ride to Temple. I may just have him punt whenever I feel like, to make sure he knows that he EARNED his scholarship to Temple.

So, you might ask, what plays will I call on every other play?

Don’t worry, I’ve got a huge arsenal of plays.

In fact, I’ve just created a new one. It’s called “A-Gap Left Invasion”. What happens here is that my center, right guard and right tackle all pull-block as far to the right as they can, and the left tackle and left guard pull block as far left as they can, leaving a hole bigger than the Grand Canyon through the left side A-Gap- which is where the QB will sneak it. A bruising linebacker will invade the A-Gap crush him, invading the huge A-Gap.

Clever, huh? Just like the dive play, except with the QB.

Aside from A-Gap Left Invasion, I’ve also got A-Gap Right Invasion. Here is how that play works. The center pull blocks right… what? You know? Oh, sorry, I didn’t think you Florida fans understood basic football concepts. If you watch some of my old interviews, you might be able to see that I thought all of you were fools by the way I dismissively avoided concepts such as blitz pickups, which by the way RYAN WERE PERFECTLY FINE. I DON’T CARE WHAT HERM EDWARDS OR ANYBODY ELSE ON THAT IDIOT NETWORK ESPN SAID, I’M THE OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR AND I SAID THEY ARE FINE SO THAT MEANS THEY ARE FINE SO SHUT UP.

Defensive coordinators didn’t complain about my schemes, so why are you?

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m off on a recruiting trip to a 4th grade girls’ soccer game, so I can look for a fast little sucker that can’t take a hit.

What? Are you crazy??? No, I’m not going to give a 4th grade girl a scholarship!!! Are you kidding me??? I’m going to wait AT LEAST until the girl is in sixth grade, maybe seventh. When she’s in 8th grade, I’ll pop the question like this: do you pledge your undying loyalty to Temple football and the dive play?

Excellent!!! You’re our new QB!!!

I would sign off properly here, but I forgot everything Urban Meyer taught me about how to be a real man, including how to accept blame. I actually forgot what that is.

So, uhhhhh… peace out yall.

6 thoughts on “Hello From Philadelphia! I’m Fine, How Are You? Love, Steve Addazio

  1. Neil that was absolutely perfect.:) This is probably pretty close to what Addazio would actually write (if he can write that is) back to us.
    You’ve outdone yourself with this man, thank you.:D

  2. Neil you are funny as h*** man! Dumbazzio couldn’t have wrote it better, keep this type of writing coming!

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