Steve Addazio To Gator Nation 12/9/11

Hey Gator fans! Long time no talk!

It’s me again, Stevio. We’ve been out of contact with each other for a long time now, and it’s good to talk to you again.

Let me update you on how I’ve been. My amazing Temple Owls have blasted through the rugged competition with an impressive 8-4 record and this has earned my boys a trip to the BCS New Mexico Bowl. The BCS games are for the elite teams from different parts of the country to match up against each other to see how good they are.

For me, though, such a huge bowl game provides me with an opportunity to operate my unstoppable dive optionless offense. It will be a nationally televised game and a chance for all those swimmers to watch how you’re really supposed to dive. The way the swim coaches teach it is wrong. You’re supposed to break bones, lose the ball and then cry about it. That’s the Temple Way. Will Muschamp has the Florida Way and this is the Temple Way.

Looks like the fat man bomb you guys employed didn’t help at all. Looks like I’m the better coordinator now, huh? My offense finished with 30 points per game in the MAC, which stands for Mightiest Athletic Competition. Obviously it’s named that because it speaks volumes about the level of talent across the league. You guys scored 21 points per game in the lowly SEC. Big difference.

I tweaked my offense this year to fit my players’ styles, just like I did for John Brantley in 2010. Of course, this was AFTER I forced my players to switch their styles to dive-hitch-sack-punt offense. De-Al-Goldenizing them was a little hard but it was completed by the start of the season.

The way to do it is simple. Run them into a wall and make them like it. This should accurately depict a typical plunge into the line when the blockers pull a club rush and allow a swarm of defenders to come and get the runner. The false starts are all planned so the linemen can catch their breaths in order to properly miss blocks. Don’t laugh. Missing a block and making it look legit is very hard to do.

I don’t have much else to say to you. You were very rude to me when I was in Gainesville, and I haven’t quite forgotten it. I’m the genius that orchestrated the brilliant offense that led us to a Sugar Bowl victory. I’m a brilliant man.

Urban calls me and tells me that before bedtime every night. Urban likes me. My dog likes me too. He licks my hand every night. Wait, didn’t I tell you that?

I can’t continue this. I have to go yell at Scot Loeffler for screwing up the order of the notecards I used to write this. There are these big squiggles in the corner of the cards. Scot says they’re called numbros or mumblers or something. Maybe numbers. If he accuses me of mixing them up myself, I will fire him. If I hire Charlie Weis as my offensive coordinator, that’s why. I know I ripped him earlier and I know he took over the Kansas job but come on, Temple is far more prestigious than KU. And I’d love a nice cuddle buddy when things go wrong. But they won’t, because I’m a genius and I know I’ve succeeded in confusing you stupid Gator fans.

I’m going to go toy with my playbook. Hopefully by next week I’ll have come up with a new creative way for my QB to throw 3 yard screen passes into triple coverage. But that’s a big task. I don’t know if I can do it.

You know what? If Urban says I can, I know I can!

ONWARD AND UPWARD!!! (…. repeated a few times and then gradually trailing off into nothing. I haven’t forgotten the mess Addazio left us and as long as we’re stuck in this mess he started I’ll keep hammering away at him. Good riddance, and an early Merry Christmas to all, and to Addazio a good dive.)

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