Hi, Gator fans!!! I’m back from another yet recruiting trip. In this case, she’s 15 years old and plays soccer and she’s great at throw ins. Really, the ball floats high in the air with more hangtime than punts.
Speaking of punters, the current one at Temple almost got his scholarship revoked for talking back to me. He said that he watched some tape of old Florida games and accused me of treating Chas Henry like a slave- too much work and no reward. Well, how wrong he is to challenge my authority!!! Not only am I the king of Temple, but Chas Henry won the Ray Guy Award so clearly it’s my punter who doesn’t know what he’s saying.
Now, it’s time for your favorite part of these letters- football talk!!! It’s me aimlessy spouting irrelevant garbage that will help you guys win one of those online IQ tests.
Today, we’re going to talk about how to beat bump-n-run coverage. It’s actually very simple: when you feel even the SLIGHTEST bit of contact, just lie down and take a nap. It’s very refreshing and who knows, the former 15 year old girl soccer player might throw a touchdown pass to the defensive back!!! At absolute WORST, the ref will throw a flag and if he’s really blind, you’ll get the 15 yard penalty instead of the 5 yard one.
But there’s nothing like a good ole fashioned nappy on the field. Plus, the other team will see that our team is made of all p*ssies, ensuring that we will have approximately zero NFL Draft prospects.
I did it all the time last year, and it really recharged my brain in time for me to go into the postgame press conference and make up sharp and witty excuses for my offense’s performance. There’s no way I would have EVER come up with “we’re fine with the blitz pickups” without the aid of a third quarter slumber party with my offensive line.
In that video that’s called “Addazio coachin ’em up”, I wasn’t coaching anything. I was asking my o-line what they predicted they would dream about. If they guessed correctly, then I’d tell the press that he graded out as a champion. Pouncey almost always guessed right.
Anyway, the next thing I will cover is how to beat cover zero defense. Cover zero means that nobody blitzes and 11 guys drop back into coverage to play the deep bomb.
Wait a second…
GRRRRRRRRRR SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT LOEFFFFFFFFFFFLEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
WHERE DID YOU HIDE MY INDEX CARDS ON DEFENSIVE SCHEMES???
Oh, I’m sitting on them!!!
OK, Cover 0 is really the exact opposite- I lied, but I’m good at it, probably from lots of experience telling recruits that they will win at Florida.
Cover zero is when NOBODY plays back deep, and everybody blitzes. You don’t use dives, options and bubble screens. Here’s how you beat it- with carefully designed deep pass routes and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LIED AGAIN IT’S ALL DIVES, OPTIONS, SCREENS AND THE OCCASIONAL GROUND BALL SNAP!!!
Because the defense is playing in, right? They expect you to run, so that’s exactly what you do and hope that the opposing team’s head coach takes you out for pizza and ice cream after the game.
Next, we’ll cover the jump pass.
The key to a successful jump pass is to make sure the defense knows it’s coming. Wait for a sign of this- like the opposing DC jumping up and down doing a jump shot, THEN you send in the play. Before you take the snap, you must be 100% certain of which linebacker you will throw it to. Then you aim right for the linebacker’s jersey numbers and fire.
OK, moving on!!!
Now we’ll talk about designing your pass routes.
You use a Magic 8 Ball or pick them out of a hat, similar to play-calling but a little bit different because I don’t know. Make sense to you?
If done right, you should have a jumbled mess downfield (meaning 5 yards beyond the line of scrimmage) and guys openly asking you, WTF?
Then you revoke all their scholarships foir cursing at you so you’re free to haul in as many middle school girls as you please. And try to make sure they’re all very pretty or else the camera will be trained on you for 3 hours every game with fans questioning every little part about you that implies honor in a coach. Of course, you’re right, but you don’t need mean headed meanies like Ryan taking photos of you, putting in less than flattering captions and putting them online.
It just isn’t very nice and now I’m gonna tell my mommy on you.
Finally, we’ll discuss how to treat your fans. In Florida’s case, they were all very stupid, so they didn’t understand the genius in my coaching style.
So you lie to them, and make false promises. It’s simple. If your center doesn’t know the difference between your QB’s hands and an airplane in the sky when he’s about the snap the ball, you tell the fans that he’s doing his best. If some moron asks if center is really his born position and kinda sorta hints that maybe guard or center is his born position, you rip the play dumb page right out of Ray Goof’s playbook.
“WHAT???? ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO. NO WAY MAN.”
So, now I’m out. I just watched Florida beat Kentucky on CBS for all the world to see. They committed some beautiful second half turnovers to clinch it. They all graded out as champions, I assure you that.
What do you mean, they lost?