Tebow, This Isn’t Even Funny Anymore

For a change, Marion Barber was responsible for a Denver game’s ending. Of course the catalyst was that Barber made a huge play- for Denver.

Who cares?

The game between the Denver Broncos and the Chicago Bears ended pretty much the same way all Denver games end- with a Matt Prater field goal and a Denver celebration in Mile High Stadium (or wherever they’re playing).

The difference is, this time, Tebow didn’t have everything with it.

Oh, sure, he made some huge plays in the fourth quarter, and drove his team from 10-0 down to win the game. But instead of carrying the entire load, his defense won the game by stripping Barber en route to a Chicago game winning touchdown. For three quarters, they had all they could handle because Denver’s offense and even the special teams kept trying to screw themselves over. A field goal got blocked, Tebow threw a rare interception, passes were dropped (one would have been an easy TD on a great pass by Tebow), blocks were missed and Denver couldn’t get on the board.

Credit the game ball to the D. They won this game. They did all the work. Tebow just put the finishing touches on it.

And that’s fine and dandy with me.

When Tebow got to Denver in 2010, the Broncos were a mess. They were getting crushed by middle of the pack teams like Oakland (59-14), Arizona (43-13), and San Diego (35-14). Then there were the embarrassing losses to terrible teams like Kansas City, Jacksonville, San Francisco and St. Louis.

Then he stepped in for the final three games, and Denver won one of them and were in both other games until the very end against Oakland and San Diego- losing by a combined 21 points under Tebow after losing by a combined 66 points with Kyle Orton.

See the difference?

The entire team plays better with Tebow. It could be that they just like him, or it could be a coincidence but the likely explanation is that he has injected them with his own DNA, which doesn’t end with U-G-A (no relation to that school up north, it’s biology) like most DNA sequences do, but instead with W-I-N. I just hope it doesn’t wind up on the NFL’s banned substance list, or else Tebow and his teammates will be facing possible suspensions and maybe even bans from the NFL.

He makes his teammates, and thus his team, better.

End of story.

Whether you like it or not, Merril Hoge, that’s just the way it is. What? That’s not your biggest problem right now? What is? Is it the problem that you can’t find a way to buy any more tissues, you’re all out? Aw, poor helpless, giant baby. Tim Tebow’s a very compassionate man. I’ll have him send you a huge box of tissues, with a note taped to the wrapping paper saying “THIS TISSUE PAPER WAS BOUGHT WITH SOME OF MY NFL PLAYOFF PAYCHECK. GET BETTER.”

I’m not one to make cancer jokes, because that’s horrible and it’s not a laughing matter at all. So for those of you that have made fun of Hoge’s cancer, don’t. However, if I were the head of Hoge’s medical practice, I would make him wear a Tebow jersey every time he came to my office to discuss how he’s doing. It’s public penance, nothing more.

But anyway, MISTER Hoge, would you believe that Denver is in the playoffs? Nah, that’s impossible. For Denver to have made the playoffs, Tebow would have had to throw more passes, be more accurate, have a better delivery, and just be, you know, a real QB to quote Deonte Thompson.

It actually is very difficult to believe. Cleaning up the mess somebody started and taking over a locker room in the middle of a season is nearly impossible to do, but then so is coming back down 10 against the Bears’ defense with under 3 minutes too go. Taking a 1-4 team to the playoffs is even more difficult to do, especially with teams that are better than they appear on your schedule like Chicago, Miami, Oakland and the Jets. But Tebow did it.

With each week comes another miracle and a huge fallout reaction to it. For Tebow supporters, it goes from surprise (Wow!) to shock (Oh my god!) to disbelief (He did NOT just do it again!) all the way to humorous (Laughing in astonishment). There’s one stage after that: the point it gets to where it’s just NOT FUNNY. I’ve passed the point where I was cracking up in shocked disbelief. It’s now at the level that you don’t exactly expect it, but you have accepted the fact that it’s NOT NORMAL. All the calls about Tebow really being Jesus, or god’s quarterback, or invincible, were silly- until yesterday.

When I was a kid, about 10 years ago, I would read these short stories by a man named RL Stine. He had this series of books that was called Goosebumps. Each and every one of them began with the normal life of a normal girl or boy, but soon took on the characteristics of unrealistic fiction, usually involving monsters or ghosts or zombies or whatever taking over the story. They all started normal, and then turned abnormal. Or paranormal. One I remember in particular involved a girl with who moved to another neighborhood, only to discover that everybody she had made friends with was dead. So when she tried to kill them, she couldn’t, because they had already died.

I feel like this is the sequel.

Why? Because the stuff Tebow does isn’t human.

Now, it’s turned the other way around. Opponents trying to knock down Tim Tebow keep failing, again and again. He’s been knocked down once against Detroit. You can’t defeat him again, no matter what you do or how much logic says he should lose. I hate saying this, because it’s exactly the kind of talk that might lead to a Denver collapse (or at least a loss to a better team), but let’s be honest, he should have lost to Miami. The odds are simply against coming back from 15-0 down with only a few minutes to go against a winless team desperate for their first win. Gator fans and now Bronco fans know that Tebow was literally born to defy odds (see the story about his mother being advised to abort him and adamantly declining) but this is a new level.

On another note, we finally got some great long term news on Tebow. John Elway has agreed to tutor Tim Tebow with his full, undivided attention. No more silly battles for the starting job. No more lockouts. No more debates. No more garbage, period. Now, Tebow will learn everything he needs to from one of the game’s best ever QB’s and incorporate it into his own game. We know Tebow’s work ethic is off the charts. John Elway’s about to find that out for himself as well, along with a much better QB.

I’ll say this again.

Lots of QB’s have better arms than Tim Tebow. Lots of QB’s are more accurate than Tim Tebow. Lots of QB’s have better footwork than Tim Tebow. Lots of QB’s have better deliveries than Tim Tebow.

But there is nobody, repeat, NOBODY in the NFL I would rather have in crunch time than Tebow. Not Aaron Rodgers. Not Eli Manning (eat your heart out, thebone, he’s Tebow Jr! Well, that’s a bit of a stretch. But he wins crazy games he’s not supposed to also). Not Drew Brees. Not a healthy Peyton Manning. Not Matt Ryan. Certainly not Cam Newton (unless the NFL switched the pigskin for the Dell, because nobody runs with or throws a laptop better than Cammy Cam Cam, as Auburn fans overaffectionately call him). Not Ben Roethlisberger. Not even Tom Brady.

No, Denver’s got the best winner in the world playing QB for them. Imagine what he’ll be like when he doesn’t need to pull off all these crazy comebacks every week, and only against the best teams like the Packers or the Saints. It’s all very possible with his work ethic and John Elway’s QB knowledge.

“The guy wins.” Coming from John Elway, I’m happy. Having any Hall of Fame QB give credit is uplifting, but especially one who criticizes Tebow. Even if he’s just saying it to shut people up, at least it means that he still realizes that he’s got a winning QB because otherwise the demand for him from Broncos fans wouldn’t be so great in the first place.

One last thing I want to touch on- Brian Urlacher’s ridiculous post game comments.

“He’s a good running back.”

(The seeds for a humorous post regarding the entire world’s thoughts on Tebow have been planted, and the post itself is now brewing.)

Well, that’s nice. Obviously, somebody got his head busted open by Tim Tebow’s punishing (admittedly short) third quarter run that went for a first down and knocked a trio of Bears down. That same running back you speak of? Yeah, he threw for 200 yards in the fourth quarter, and called the plays that engineered a stunning comeback. But I guess in relative terms, of course, you’re right, he is a good running back compared to Marion Barber. He didn’t fumble the game away.

No, he won it.

If you want to be precise, he made his teammates better, and his team won it. Or, if you want to credit one single player, Matt Prater (Mr. Ice Veins) won it.

Not Marion Barber and certainly not Brain, oops, I mean Brian Urlacher.

10 thoughts on “Tebow, This Isn’t Even Funny Anymore

  1. Was with you until you took yet another shot at Cam lol.. Otherwise great read as usual man, I said this in my post 7-1 is not easy. If it were Orton will still be in Denver. Tebow is the man and there’s no doubting that any more. Also Neil did you have to bash my Jags? We will be good someday…….

  2. Champ Bailey said its just something about Tebow that makes you want to play harder. Its something about him that makes him special…. That my friends is leadership something Timmy was born with BOOM!!!

  3. Well, until they beat good teams on the upswing, there’s plenty of doubting him, which is what’s happening. They just, in overtime, beat a team using Caleb Hanie. When they start beating teams like Pittsburgh and Baltimore regularly, they we’ll have something to think about.

    With regards to Neil’s statement >

    “But there is nobody, repeat, NOBODY in the NFL I would rather have in crunch time than Tebow. Not Aaron Rodgers. Not Eli Manning (eat your heart out, thebone, he’s Tebow Jr! Well, that’s a bit of a stretch. But he wins crazy games he’s not supposed to also). Not Drew Brees. Not a healthy Peyton Manning. Not Matt Ryan. Certainly not Cam Newton (unless the NFL switched the pigskin for the Dell, because nobody runs with or throws a laptop better than Cammy Cam Cam, as Auburn fans overaffectionately call him). Not Ben Roethlisberger. Not even Tom Brady.

    No, Denver’s got the best winner in the world playing QB for them”

    Jesus christ, like the hyperbole ?

    Yep, never mind the Super Bowl winning QBs – let’s go with a guy who doesn’t even have a season’s worth of experience and hasn’t beaten anyone of of note.

    PS Two of the teams Tebow has victories against have fired their coach. But hey, I am sure it was simply because Tebow beat them and not because the teams are a disaster.

  4. thebone, I just am amazed to be in the presence of you. You know everything. just wish I was as knowledgeable as you are. Everything Neil says is just complete horse shit compared to what you have to say. Man you should be an EPSN analyst.

  5. Well if this isn’t thebone, it’s a huge faggot. Quit sucking his cock via this website. I love the stuff that both Neil and thebone bring to IAKOW, because they both know their stuff. That’s what makes their arguments so entertaining. What did thebone say that was so spectacular and mind blowing here? If you disagree, then you can go play hide and go fuck yourself. thebone is a writer, why don’t you suck him off on his articles?

  6. Yes. I do. But it’s harder to pick up on it online, and even harder when there have been dumbasses like Jurgensen trolling on here. Sorry about that

  7. See there we are all Gators here just having a little fun. Jurgy did ruin the fun for alot of us I can agree with that. Sad to say he might be right about BOOM though

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