TPD strips Florida of 1996 national title

You know how a few years ago, Florida used to taunt FSU with “three national championships to two”? Well, that avenue of smack talk was eradicated when FSU won a national title in 2013. But it looks like that particular line is back in business- on the other side of the rivalry.

Florida has forfeited its 1996 national championship, and further discussions regarding who to award it to will be underway this week, In All Kinds Of Weather has learned through an exclusive source.

The story reads like this.

About 18 months ago, a group of emotionally traumatized men stumbled into the Tallahassee Police Department headquarters claiming that they were violently assaulted somewhere in the city of New Orleans back in January of 1997. Each of the men were too embarrassed to spend much time rehashing the details of the alleged assault, which is also why they all requested anonymity.

But about two weeks ago, the identities of the men were suddenly revealed as various members of the 1996 Florida State Seminoles football team. That crucial bit of information was the missing piece into the TPD’s investigation into the assault, and within two weeks of learning this, the TPD completed its investigation and declared that FSU actually won the 1997 Sugar Bowl.

Here’s their complete statement: “After a complete and thorough investigation into the alleged assault in January of 1997 in New Orleans, we find the Florida Gators guilty of being big meanie heads. They beat up on these poor, bright young men with no mercy for three hours using an unfair combination of speed, power, near flawless execution and intelligence, and since we at the TPD possess none of those skills, we cannot even begin to know how traumatized these wonderful Florida State student-athletes really were. No team that beats up on such defenseless victims with such a sadistic delight is a winner in our book; therefore, we award the 1997 Sugar Bowl trophy to Florida State. We will now go back and further discuss who should be considered the national champions of the 1996 season: Florida State, Florida State, or Florida State.”

The TPD has also completed its investigation into a similar complaint that was filed a few months ago regarding the alleged assault at the Rose Bowl, and determined that FSU really won that game too.

Nahhhh. April Fools, FSU fans. The 52-20 annihilation you guys suffered at our hands still stands as the worst defeat in Sugar Bowl history. Also, the 52 points y’all surrendered in that Sugar Bowl and the 59 you gave up in the Rose Bowl still stand as the most points ever allowed in each of those respective bowl games. You have to live with that forever.

Hope that made you smile.

11 thoughts on “TPD strips Florida of 1996 national title

    1. The turds do exceedingly well against teams that collectively have been subjected to food poisoning, as had been illustrated when they LOST the Florida State Championship game in Tallahassee (the same season), where Spurrious bin Whinin has NEVER won a game.

  1. Wait really that’s awesome!!! FSU once again has more nattys than the stupid Gaytors even tho we started fourty years later or something.. yall are the true little sisters in this rivalry, FSU owns this state once again, suck it pussys

  2. The article itself was pretty funny- well done Neil, I give it about a B+ in terms of creativity- but that Nole fan who commented made the whole thing ten times more enjoyable. Holy hell, that exponentially increased the volume and length of my laughter at this.

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