Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 5/7/11

Hey Gator fans!!! Long time no talk. Let’s get you guys caught up on my wonderful life in Philadelphia.

The first thing I wanted to tell you guys is that I’m in preliminary discussions with Lane Kiffin about paying him a visit to his home stadium in a few years. He said he loved the way I ran my offense at Florida, and that he would like to use our dive play as a measuring stick for his daddy’s defense.

For some reason, he did not mention singing Rocky Top all night long after the game though. Maybe it’s because Urban Meyer was a bad guy and I’m a great guy. Hell, Jeremy Fowler thinks Meyer’s a bad guy… right?

I know I’m right, because I always am. I’m right that Fowler called Meyer a bad guy the same way I’m right for making John Brantley run the option when he clearly should have been used in a more pass oriented offense.

Speaking of me always being right, Saddam Hussein is dead. Wait, what? No, Osama Bin Laden is still hiding. Sorry, my brain took a nap in January of 2009 and hasn’t woken up, so pardon me if I’m a bit late on the Saddam announcement.

Sorry for confusing yall. But you’re just a bunch of dumb Gaytor fans, who cares what you think?

Yeah, I’m happy to be rid of you fools. You were so ungrateful for the 8 wins I brought you last year. Did we not beat Georgia and Tennessee? Did Tim Tebow’s TD record not get broken in the first SEC home game of the year? Did we not score more points in the state of Tennessee than we did in our championship year of 2008? Yeah, thought so. Oh- did we not put up over 400 yards twice this season- including 452 against Georgia?

Wow, you complain so much.

I clearly had your program heading in the right direction. You were so angry after the MSU game, Ryan. Oh, I remember. You called me out worse than ever.

And Neil, that was the nastiest post you ever wrote about me on Bleacher Report. It was so insulting that you actually deleted not just the article, but the account as well two days later because you said that you were worried about the UAA coming after you. I cried like the 6th grade girl that I’m recruiting did when I made her run face first into the wall to test her toughness.

Anyway, you guys were just so offensive to me! Not to mention wrong- we actually crossed the goal line!!! We didn’t have to, but to make you happy, we did, and then you were still frothing at the mouth in rage. How unappreciative!

That’s bad enough. Even worse, however, was how you guys came after me again following that game! For the record, we scored 7 against MSU and 14 against SC. That’s twice the point total meaning double the production, which is a huge improvement. But Ryan and Neil, you guys came after me as though you had not received that bulletin. Ryan’s headline was Addazio vs. Spurrier is like Tyson vs. Glass Joe and Neil’s was even worse: Could Steve Addazio’s Have a Stick of Celery Instead of a Brain? And that was followed by After Further Review, Steve Addazio Is In Fact Retarded.

I still cannot believe how unappreciative you were.

Seriously, why did you not realize how genius I was? Was it not obvious in the Outback Bowl, where we hung 37 points on Joe Paterno? What about when we put 55 on Vanderbilt? How about 48 against Kentucky? 34 against Georgia? 48 against Appalachian State? 38 against USF? 34 against Miami? Those are all BCS powerhouses.

My offenses always played to the best of their abilities. They put up 26X10 to some rediculous power yards against Miami Ohio- IN JUST THREE QUARTERS. Come on. Respect that.

WHAT? That rediculous power was 0??? No, really? I had no idea….

But before you jump on me, that was 26 more yards than we put up the week before. We played… ummm…. I forgot who we played the week before Miami but it’s beside the point.

The sad thing is, had we put up 15 times as many yards through three quarters, you’d still be unhappy.

I’m so glad we parted ways. I’m so much happier here at Temple. My god, here I can run my three play offense for 300 yards minimum every game. Wait, why am I calling myself? I don’t need to keep saying how I’m a god. Hahahaha, catch the 5th grade humor? Some 5th grade boy told me to say it as I was leaving the school on yet another recruiting trip (and you know who I was after).

LOL JK.

Yeah, I’m cool. I’m friends with all those little children. The girls’ soccer team from that elementary school has listened to me, making them better than all you selfish and unappreciative punk Gator fans. I bet they could beat Florida. This one girl can throw laterally for 15 yards, which as you know is my favorite 3rd down and Pakistan to go. I love watching them fall when it’s raining. There’s this other girl that slides a lot to tackle somebody or to poke a ball free. Well, hey, make her my middle linebacker! It works in European football, why not American football? And then there was the girl that tripped and fell facedown. She’ll be my running back.

Anyway, after I got home from that recruiting trip, I sat down, and had a brilliant idea. It’s called QB throws it to himself for negative 15 yards. No, I didn’t tell you that a few months ago. I told you it was QB throws it to himself for negative 12 yards. That’s a 3 yard difference. As you all know very well, picking up any more than 3 yards on one play is impossible.

What?

Have I confused you with anything?

No?

OK, good. Moving on.

I finally bought XBox 360 and Madden 2011 like Neil told me to. I decided to try out his suggestion: ask Madden for every play. But alas, it didn’t work. These weird things kept popping up on the screen. I mean these weird numbers were next to my team’s name. There were a bunch of curly lines and half ovals and a mix of other stuff.

And one more thing before I go. Ryan said he had no idea how I design pass routes, and Neil suggested that he could call a better game by picking plays out of a hat, much less by using his brain. To both of you: I DO PICK PASS ROUTES AND PLAYS OUT OF A HAT. I only have three of each. My pass routes are: 2 yard comeback, 5 yard lateral screen and mirror. What? You don’t know what a mirror toss is? I just explained it- when the QB throws it to himself. And to Neil: my three plays are: dive, Brantley option, and home run snap.

You’re all idiots. I can’t stand it. I’m out.

War.

Or is it peace?

29 thoughts on “Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 5/7/11

  1. Steve, why do you like hanging out with little girls and boys so much buddy? I mean I know you think they’re good athlete’s but it’s still kind of creepy. Don’t you hang out with anyone your own age?

  2. No I have lots of friends you little meaniehead leave me alone so I can devise some new creative way to throw 2 yard in patterns on 3rd and 15 OK sound good OK yeah thanks bye bye

  3. You do Steve? Who are they? And are they mentally sound? I have a funny feeling they aren’t.

  4. Who are they? Jimbo Fisher, Kirby Smart, Nick Saban, Les Miles, Dan Mullen, Manny Diaz, Steve Spurrier, Ellis Johnson, John Chavis… do you want me to list more names or is this enough? Oh and of course Urban. He reads me bedtime stories every night about my dive being supreme!!!

  5. Now are you sure that these men are your friends, or are you one of those weird guys who think cool people like you when they really don’t? And I’m surprised that you say Urban is your friend Steve. Didn’t you say in this article that Urban’s a bad guy? So which is it?

  6. I have a bunch of lists that categorize people. For example, players that don’t practice with great emotion are called “sprained ankle game time decisions”. People that tell me how great I am are called “friends”.

  7. Have you ever taken a moment to wonder if the people that call you great are lying to you because they feel bad for you?

  8. Steve its your mommy again. Don’t let these nasty meanies tell you any different, you are special, its ok that you needed braces on your legs and a helmet during your youth your mommy still loves you. And to this day even though you need pool floaties to eat soup so you don’t drown me and your daddy still love you. Now what I am disappointed in is you calling Mr. Meyer a bad guy, your mommy taught you better than that, you’re supposed to say those things where he can’t hear or read them. Uh oh I think the young man whose computer this is has coming looking for me, I guess this is the last time I buy one from that nice young Mr. Newton. Bye little Stevie.

  9. This is Stevie’s mom again, now now Mr. Buc just because we lived under power lines next to a toxic waste dump, and that I fed him lead paint chips and also smoked crack and drank constantly does not make my little boy a retard, actually wait it does but I still love him. And just because I don’t have teeth and no arms and I’m green doesn’t make me a creature you have to be the meaniest meanie of them all.

  10. So what does that make you then, a severely deformed Leprechaun? And if you don’t mind me asking, who in their right mind would screw you? Did you go down to a bog and throw yourself at the most willing opossum one day?

  11. Well no sir if you must ask my Stevie looks just like his daddy/uncle/cousin/brother…we like to keep it in the family since we are damn perfect

  12. So, West Virginia is the place where I landed on my head after DIVING out of that plane? Good to know.

  13. Nah Dan Mullen’s probably my father first off I’m a genius just like him and secondly his defense raped John Brantley; why not my mommy?

  14. Of course not they all want to be my friends so I can teach them how to divey. Isn’t that how that song goes? Anyway, the ones that are the nicest to me get a free dive play bible.

  15. That’s a very good point Steve. I guess I never looked at it that way. But There’s one problem. You were born in 59′, Dan was born in 72′. So unless Dan went back in time to screw you retard mother your logic kind of falls apart.

  16. Oh Steve, I imagine you were dropped on your head quite a few times while residing in WV.

  17. Yeah people tell me I always see things sideways. For example my QB’s make me happiest when they throw to the sidelines. And my running backs are supposed to bounce the run inside make sense? OK good.

  18. No but all 15 and under females get a free tour of our campus… and some broken ribs. This is a result of the other reward- getting to run dive plays in our practices!!!

  19. So you consider Dan to be your father and your grandfather. Man this is some really deep shit right here.

  20. So you consider Dan to be your father and your grandfather. Man this is some really deep shit right here.

  21. Now do they get broken ribs as a result of the dive play or is it from something else? Are you getting a little rough with those young girls in the locker room Steve?

  22. Yeah, I guess I do get rough on em. They’re all so cute. They remind me of puppies. I guess I just go rough on all little Dawgs- whether they’re the UGA kind of 12 year old girl kind.

  23. Stevie’s mom here again and yes I dropped my Stevie on his head a lot when he was a kid, I always wanted to see if it was true about bouncing babys. He did bounce a lot but I wonder if thats why he needed a helmet until he left college. And yes Dan Mullin is my Stevie’s real dad his friend Doc Brown and his DeLorean brought him back to 1959 and he and I hooked up one glorious incestuous West Virginia night, after that I went back into the swamp and a few days later my Stevie was born.

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