Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 9/5/11

Hey hey hey Gator fans!!! It’s none other than your old pal… STEVIO!!! That was Urban’s pet name for me, by the way. Urban likes me. Temple fans like me. My dog likes me. He licks my face after every game. After the Georgia game, Michael Vick tried to take him away and my dog got all ticked off. He chose to stay with me because he is loyal, unlike all of you.

So my boys were off and running on Thursday night, completely destroying the mighty Villanova Wildcats from the powerful FCS. To all you Gator fans questioning my offense, chew on this: we scored more points against our first opponent than you did. We scored 42 and you scored 41. Charlie Weis doesn’t look so smart, does he?

Speaking of Weis, he’s doing it all wrong. He really has no clue how to run an offense. Your QB threw the ball to his speedy running backs in space!!! For god’s sake, the point of running an offense is to get all your players injured and to put zero points on the board!!! I mean if 1 is first place, the only thing better is 0 for zeroth place, right? Wouldn’t YOU want to be better than the first place guy? Come on, I know you would.

Maybe I’m just stupid or something, but your punter is terrible. I mean he shoots off line drives right at his teammates!!! And the craziest part of all is he uses his HAND to punt. I was yelling at the TV monitor the whole time (because you know I’m loyal to UF) to kick the ball high and use your foot. It almost looked like it was a QB out there, and a good one at that.

What’s his name? It’s Bra something. Bradford? Bradley? Brantlocks? Damnit what’s the guy’s name…. HMMM. Well I remember his number was 12, so if somebody teaches me how to read and then use the internet, I could check it out… but that would take years and I’d like to know the guy’s name before my grandkids die.

I also could not believe the foolishness of Charlie Weis to not run Demps and Rainey up the middle. It worked so well last year! I guess this is why I have a head coaching job and he does not.

Somebody asked me why I don’t throw at all downfield. That’s because there is already a coach in the SEC that does that. His name is Steve Spurrier. So because I’m so original, I decided to not do it. I devised my own offense. It’s called Confuse. I know, brilliant name right?

It’s actually really simple. The purpose of every play is to get a designed player in traffic, and then get him the ball.

For example, this one play I run, called an awesome play, calls for a miniature tailback to take a handoff and run straight up the middle. Meanwhile, the right guard and right tackle pull block right, the left guard and left tackle pull block left and the center just flops on his face. This allows a stampede of defensive linemen, who have played rock paper scissors with each other over which gap they get to shoot, to crash the gaps they decided on and make the tackle.

Or sometimes, they’ll actually have time to play rock paper scissors with each other after the ball was snapped- because the ball will have been snapped fifteen feet over the QB’s head and traveled at least 30 yards.

It’s also a great way to teach these kids their ABC’s. The song goes, “A-gap, B-gap, C-gap, D, wow coach you’re smarter than me. You never taught us how to block, but running dives will kill the clock, A-gap, B-gap, C-gap, D, won’t my mom be proud of me!” You know, to the tune of ABC.

You don’t know it? Well, the lyrics go, A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L… what do you mean, you know them already? What? I’m retarded? What do you mean this is more for my benefit than yours? I already know the ABC’s!!! The coach is always smarter than his players, my players are dumber than me at Temple just like they were at Florida. And the fans are too!

Huff, puff.

(Blow your house down in a fit of rage, which for me means… perfectly calm so I won’t do it since I never get angry because things always go so well).

Another great play is to go five wide (you know, once or twice a season) and draw a mishmash of routes that results in three guys banging into each other, one guy being confused, and the fifth guy running a 12 yard curl into double coverage. The dimeback will see that the route is clearly designed for him, and will join his buddies to form triple coverage, an incomplete pass, and an injury to the receiver.

Onto something else.

I’m not just the football coach here at Temple. I’m what they call a well rounded sportsman. I’m a genius at every sport, and have esoterically been given jobs coaching every sports team. I’m shocked at the use of a big word like that, go me!!! I just showed the AD at Temple my resume from UF, which includes dive expert, jump shot in the end zone expert, bad snap expert

Anyway, I’ve been hired by the basketball department specifically to teach the jump shot. I just hope that they don’t call travel on my guy after he takes two steps forward before he jumps and lobs it one handed.

Track calls for me to teach a similar skill- the jump shot put. It never fails. It never will, either, as long as I’m still here!!!

For baseball, I’m the infield specialist for the defense. I’ll simply bring my center onto the field and have him unleash a barrage of awful snaps and let the befuddled infielder try to corral them!

Swimming is the funnest of all. Yeah, funnest. No, I’m not jk. Seriously lol. Yeah for swimming I get to teach them how to dive! It’s beautiful!!!

One more thing.

Temple is definitely on its way to becoming the Boise State of the East. Hell, we’re better than Boise ALREADY. I mean I beat Georgia 5 of my 6 tries, and as badly as 49-10. Boise sucks and could ONLY beat them by two scores in what was CLEALY a neutral site. We’re definitely back, baby, Temple is SO back.

One more more thing.

Ryan and Neil, you’re such morons. Look at me now, I have a head coaching job at a powerhouse FBS school. Who are you gonna rip on now? Huh?

Ryan, I didn’t appreciate your criticism last year. It hurt my feelings. How the hell is a guy supposed to maximize his potential when a guy is all over him like you were? Fortunately, I was able to win 8 games for your Gators anyway. But even worse- you were WRONG. I mean, just WRONG. You clearly didn’t know what you were talking about all your strategic suggestions were just wrong. From running Demps outside to Brantley throwing deep, everything was just WRONG. Was I supposed to crack under peer pressure- especially incorrect peer pressure? No, I’m a man and men don’t crack under peer pressure.

Neil, you’re a monster. When you questioned my manhood, I cries. No, I didn’t mean cried, because that would imply past tense. I still do cries to this day. I don’t care about the grammatical errors, I hate you. I told my mommy on you and she said shame on you. When you questioned if my brain had actually been replaced with a stick of celery, I ran out of my house and tried to commit suicide by stepping on a grenade. But it didn’t work. This pin thingymabobber kept poking my shoe and it was uncomfortable.

Anyway, I have to leave now. I gotta draw up more creative ways to throw 2 yard hitch routes into triple coverage, run dives plays into an open a-gap, and throw vertical passes (a ball thrown 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage on third and 45)…. or whatever real coaches do in their spare time… uhh… is it weird that I have a lot of spare time as a head coach of an FBS team?

Stay tuned for next week’s letter to you Gator fans as Mike Gerardi (our QB) throws four touchdown passes to Akron’s strongside linebacker…

8 thoughts on “Steve Addazio to Gator Nation 9/5/11

  1. [quote]My dog likes me. He licks my face after every game.[/quote]
    Is that all that he licks Steve? 😉

  2. If you actually listen to Dumbazzio talk you would really believe he’s writing these letters.

  3. This means that I have an UNCANNY KNACK for tapping into the brain activity of Steve Addazio. Thanks! Wait, what brain activity?

  4. Stevio here: Nah, he licks my balls too but I thought those middle school girls would get creeped out if I said that. It would really hurt my chances of getting one of them to sign with Temple to run my dive option hitch punt offense.

  5. Now does he lick your balls willingly or do you have to spread peanut butter on them to coax him into doing it.

  6. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is fuckin HILARIOUS!!! It really does sound JUST LIKE HIM!!! FANTASTIC JOB NEIL!!! I am actually picturing him writing this.

  7. Brother that wouldn’t be something to brag about being able to do in fact I think you might want to listen to some intelligent conversation just to make sure you weren’t infected by the stupidity of Dumbazzio, we can’t afford to lose you man lol

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