‘Tis the season where I’d better be naughty, not nice. So I decided to hand out some Christmas gifts to some of my favorite (and not so favorite) people this holiday season.
Jim McElwain- a key to the city of Gainesville. Nobody thought he could win ten games and reach the SEC Championship Game in his first year. Now think about what he can accomplish with a real quarterback.
Kelvin Taylor- Georgia Bulldogs uniforms. Not for him, but for his NFL opponents. Taylor seems to like playing against Georgia. He finishes his Gator career with 394 yards on 75 carries and four touchdowns in three games against the Doggies.
Antonio Callaway- a quarterback. Say hello to Feleipe Franks. There’s a nice restaurant called Ballyhoo Grill. They should go there and get to know each other, since they might someday become the SEC’s next great quarterback-receiver combo.
Mike Summers- a bottle of vodka. Watching a Michigan defense that’s giving up 281 yards a game (4th nationally) against his inexperienced offensive line might be tough, so maybe getting drunk before the Citrus Bowl will help him make some kind of game of it.
Treon Harris- a mind control device in his helmet that I can control and work like Xbox. It’s for his own good, after all. This device would work as if he’s a player in NCAA or Madden, so that throwing twice in one play isn’t a possibility.
Will Grier- a pet. Doesn’t matter what animal it is as long as it doesn’t do drugs and can be coaxed to urinate in a cup every so often.
Jordan Cronkrite & Jordan Scarlett- an offensive line. Just imagine if they had one this year!
Vernon Hargreaves- Michigan will give him all the gifts he could ask for if they dare throw at him in his final game as a Gator.
Will Muschamp- a spot in the Witness Protection Program. There’s a beating of epic proportions coming his way in a little less than a year. See you in the Swamp on November 12th.
Cece Jefferson- not having his father have to sign off on everything he does seems like a good enough present. But let’s make it two: the keys to this Gator defense going forward. Jarrad Davis and Caleb Brantley are older than he is, but Jefferson is an absolute freak of nature and the best leaders always lead by example.
Demarcus Robinson- a brain. So much talent, so many bad decisions.
Jalen Tabor- captain of the DBU unit. Florida’s secondary was good, but not great this past year. But Tabor is even more naturally talented than Hargreaves, and his technique and instincts are only nominally below his. The torch is hereby passed to you, 31 Flavors.
Urban Meyer- forgiveness. Seriously. He may be a snake, and he may have run a filthy program in Gainesville, but he brought us two national championships and the best player in college football history. Those things balance out, and I can at least be worked to a point of neutrality with him.
The University of Georgia- a team of highly intelligent security guards for Will Muschamp. UGA’s “Mission Destroy Our Rivals’ Programs” has swung from Florida to Auburn and now to South Carolina. But people are getting suspicious now. Better hire some folks to follow him around to cover up and/or rationalize anything suspicious, like his 1-6 record against Georgia since becoming Auburn’s DC in 2006.
Florida State University- a counting book for each and every fan. They seem to be enjoying the Noles’ 27-2 win over Florida this year, judging by the way they quote the score. Just imagine how much more they’d enjoy it if they could actually gain perspective as to what those numbers mean.
Gator fans- we already got our gifts. We’re fans of the best overall athletics program in the country, and one with a coach in the most important sport who knows what he’s doing.
Merry Christmas, y’all.